What is consent?
Consent is the clear communication, either verbally or non-verbally, about willingness and agreemet to engage in a particular activity.
Consent is a part of our everyday lives and our social interaction. When we want to go to the movies with a friend, we ask. When we are deciding with someone what to have for dinner, we talk about it and make a decision.
Consent helps us ensure that we are being good to each other and respecting one another.
When considering sex, both within and outside of a relationship, consent should be a primary consideration, because without consent — it is sexual assault. Unfortunately, social scripts have misled many to think that sex is something that should "just happen", or ought to happen because of the context of the particular relationship. Popular films portray sex as something that people just get caught up in and the consideration of consent is depicted as unnecessary.
Consent is often described as an "enthusiastic yes" that is freely given. Some key points of consent to understand are:
- Consent is an active and affirmative agreement to engage in physical contact or sexual activity.
- Consent is explicit and clear. If it's not - ask.
- Consent is chosen freely, and what is happening is wanted.
- Lack of response (e.g. laying still) is not consent- the person must indicate yes.
- If consent is not clear there must be a reasonable attempt to determine it- just ask.
- If someone is under the influence of drugs or alcohol but says yes it is still sexual assault. Wait until a time when you are both sober to ask again.
- Consent is not continuous- just because someone agreed one time or to a particular act does not mean they consent every time to every act. It must be clear each time that they agree. It is ongoing and can always be withdrawn.
- The person choosing sexual violence cannot use being too "drunk" as a reason for not verifying the other person's consent. The impaired judgement of the person pursuing sexual violence is not an excuse for sexual violence.
- Consent is always necessary and never assumed, even in relationships. No one is ever "owed" sex.
- Consent feels good and is a sexy way to show you care about the other person(s).
- For information on the legal age of consent, click here.
There are a lot of ways to ask your partner for consent without ruining the mood.
Here are a few examples:
- I really want to hug/ kiss/ touch/ _____ you. Do you want me to?
- Do you like it when I do this? Do you want to do it to me?
- Is it okay if I take off my shirt/ bra/ pants?
- Is it okay if I text you at school/ work? Can I send you private (sexually explicit) messages/ pictures?
- What would you like me to do to you?
- It maks me hot when you kiss/ touch/ ________ me there.
- What makes you hot?
- I really want to have sex with you. Do you feel like it too?
- Have you ever _________? Would you want to with me?
- Do you want to watch __________ with me?
- What would feel really good right now?
- How are you feeling right now?
- Would you feel more comfortable if we used a condom?
Consent is all about communication with your partner. Building conversations like this into your sexual activities will help both you and your partner ensure that you are safe.
If you or someone you know has concerns regarding sexual violence, you can contact the Dating, Domestic and Sexual Violence Education and Response Specialist on campus or call Alberta's One Line for Sexual Violence at 1.866.403.8000.